My core self has always been a beacon to me, something I can hold on to when I face challenges in my life. Someone who is loving and caring. Who makes people smile and has the world in the palm of her hand.
There have been times in my life where I completly lost understanding of who I am at my core. Times that I no longer felt anything and I completely shut myself off from the world emotionally. This is something I learned to do at an early age.
My father is an alcoholic and when I was just 11 years old he tried to take his life in front of me. This was also at a time where my life had been uprooted and I had been sexually molested. As a young kid I couldn’t grasp the things that were happening to me let alone deal with the emotions that went along with it, so I learned how to bottle up my feelings. As long as no one could see the pain that I felt so deeply, I was safe and I could appear to be the strong person who people were afraid to approach and would never bother. This gave me a false sense of security, but at the same time it kept others at a distance.
At 17 I lost my virginity to rape. My virginity was something that I had valued and someone had stripped me of it. The injustice was life altering. At every turn it seemed a piece of me was slowly dying. Slipping out of my hands. I seemed powerless to stop it.
I continued to push my feelings down until I was void of the ability to feel at all. I didn’t know how to love myself let alone other people around me. I had lost sight of who I was at my core. It was at this point in my life that I started to turn to alcohol and drugs to fill the void that I felt. There were often times when I would wake up the next morning and have to be reminded by the people I was with of the things I had done the night before. It was an endless cycle of trying to piece together my wreck of a life.
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